Did You Know Not All Emotional Pain is Created Equal?

Not all emotional pain is created equal—a truth that can reshape how we approach our healing. Dr. Steven Hayes introduced the concepts of “clean pain” and “dirty pain,” offering us a way to distinguish between authentic emotions and the unnecessary suffering we create in response to those emotions. These ideas are particularly impactful for those navigating grief.

What Is Clean Pain? Clean pain is the raw, natural emotion that arises directly from loss. It’s the sadness, longing, or anger we feel when we let ourselves grieve without judgment or interference. Clean pain is a necessary part of healing, it’s honest and reflective of the love and connection we shared with those we’ve lost.

For example, clean pain might be the heartache you feel when looking at old photos or the tearful moments triggered by a favorite song. These emotions are real and valid, part of honoring the significance of your loss.

What Is Dirty Pain? Dirty pain, on the other hand, is the suffering we add on top of clean pain. It comes from resisting our emotions, judging ourselves, or absorbing unhelpful messages from society. Dirty pain shows up in thoughts like, “I should be over this by now,” or “I shouldn’t feel this way because others have it worse.”

I’ve experienced this struggle firsthand. After Collin passed, I often heard well-meaning comments like, “You shouldn’t feel sad because you had a love that some people never experience.” These words were meant to comfort me, but they inadvertently invalidated my grief, creating dirty pain. They suggested that my gratitude for what I had should somehow cancel out my sadness over what I’d lost. But the truth is, I can hold both gratitude and grief at the same time. One does not negate the other.

Why Understanding the Difference Matters When we embrace clean pain, we allow ourselves to fully process and heal. When we get stuck in dirty pain, however, we block that process. The more we resist or judge our emotions, the harder it becomes to move forward. Recognizing the difference between the two empowers us to approach grief with self-awareness and compassion.

How to Reduce Dirty Pain Here are a few ways to shift toward clean pain and away from unnecessary suffering:

1. Notice Your Thoughts: Pay attention to self-critical or judgmental thoughts. When they arise, challenge them with kindness and curiosity.

2. Allow Emotions to Be: Instead of resisting sadness, anger, or fear, let them exist without trying to fix or suppress them. Feelings are temporary, and allowing them space often helps them pass more quickly.

3. Validate Your Experience: Remind yourself that your grief is valid, no matter what anyone else says or expects. Use statements like, “Of course, I feel this way.”

4. Seek Support: Whether through friends, support groups, or a grief coach, sharing your journey can provide perspective and relief.

5. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a grieving friend.

Healing Through Awareness By embracing clean pain and minimizing dirty pain, we create a space for healing that honors both our emotions and our resilience. Grief is not about getting over a loss—it’s about learning to carry it with grace, gratitude, and compassion. This awareness is transformative, not just for grief but for every aspect of life.

If this resonates with you, consider exploring more about this approach in my work as a grief coach. Together, we can navigate your grief journey and find ways to heal and thrive.